Someday I'll Hope Again
by Taste's Like Home
Summary: When Hermione develops an eating disorder, none of the staff or students at Hogwarts knows how to help her... Except maybe one person who can understand the true meaning of pain along side her... Warning: Contains graphic adult themes,read the warning.
1. Chapter 1

Someday I'll hope again

**OK guys, I know I know that I already have the other story on the go… But I have totally got writers block for that one, so I started to write another story hoping to get some inspiration back for the other one!!**

**WARNING.  
This is a story very close to my heart. It is all about eating disorders, something that I am writing about, for the first time, from my own experiences.**

**I understand that, despite what people might say about eating disorder, there is still an air of mystery and stigma that come with them. I understand that different people will view them differently, and as much as some people may not understand them, some people are "dodgy" about them. All I can say is, if you don't like the subject, then don't read.**

There will be a lot of adult themes included in this fic, including _eating disorders, body dysmorphia, self hatred, self injury/self harm, sex, swearing, violence, and a little domestic violence._ Come on, life would be boring without all of that right?

**It will be dark and angsty.**

Please be warned. And once again, Don't Like? Don't Sodding Read.

**And I really, really apologise if the layout of the page is off, I can't seem to control it at all!**

**ONWARDS!**

Chapter 1.

"What now?"

"Don't you speak to me like that! I am your father, I deserve more respect than that."

"Of course you do. What is it?"

"Did you leave this here?"

"What is it?"

"You know exactly what it is."

"Unfortunately I'm not psychic Dad, you'll have to be more specific."

"This wrapper on the floor. Is it yours?"

"Yeah."

"Put it away then…. Don't stomp around the house girl! Come back here, don't walk away from me when I am speaking to you."

"What?"

"What is wrong with you?"

"Nothing. It's just that I fail to see why you couldn't have picked it up for me."

"Why should I pick up your shit?"

"Because I pick up your shit when ever I clean the house."

"Don't you swear at me young lady. And when do you clean the house?"

"Don't even go there Dad, I clean up all the time."

"I am not one of your 'buddies'. Do not speak to me like that.""For God's Sake, like what?"

"Like I'm one of your mates. I am not your 'mate' I am your father."

"Damn right you're not a "mate"."

"Who do you think you think you're talking to?"

"Of course, how could I mistake you for a friend, unlike you, my friends speak to me even when they don't want something from me."

"What is that suppose to mean?"

"The only time you attempt to speak to me is when you want to have a go at me for something or if you want something. Like for me to pick a wrapper up?"

"That is not true and you know it…"

"Oh, isn't it? Who did you speak to first today when you walked through the door today? Of course, you walked straight past me and straight to mum."

"I said hello."

"No you didn't."

"Well what do you expect, me to come and worship the ground you walk on?"

"Dad, you don't even acknowledge me when I'm stood in front of you, why would I expect you to even speak to me nicely?"

"Bullshit."

"Of course, you can't deny it. Just walk away from it all, like you always do, don't try to resolve it. I can't wait for tomorrow, I can't wait to get out of here."

"Well seen as we're sharing secrets here, I can't wait for you to go. Things are so much easier when you aren't here, you're mum and I don't fight when you're not here…"

"Of course, that's what really matters, you and mum. As long as you and mum are happy, that's ok. You couldn't give a fuck about me, and I know it. Mum is the only thing in you're life. I just get in the way right? I just make her share her attention that should be given entirely to you."

"You know that's not true."

"No I don't. In fact, I know that it is true. And you wonder why I hate it here? When that is how my own father sees me, nothing more than a complication for you and mum."

"You want the truth? Ok, yeah, you're right. My life would be a lot easier if you weren't here. Me and mum argue all the time because of you. I love her so much, when you eventually leave, it will be me and her together, spending life together until the end. We will just be some people who you drag your kids to see on a Sunday, but me and mum will be in it together till the end. I couldn't give a damn about you, your mother in the person who I am going to be spending my life with."

"… Of course. You're life has no room for me."

"Oh God… wait…, wait, please I didn't mean it like that… come back…"

"Then how did you mean it? You can't really confuse 'I couldn't give a damn about you' with anything else?"

"I said come back here!"

"I have nothing else to say to you…"

"I said **C O M E B A C K!!"**

"No!"

"You _ignorant little_…"

"Get off me!"

"Oh god… I'm sorry, oh my god, it's ok, shit it's bleeding, ok, wait there… sit up, come on… Hermione? Hermione, sit up quickly? Hermione? Open your eyes… Oh shit…."

**Work with me here people, I've been out of writing for like, ages!! **

**Constructive reviews are of course welcome. As are flames, except I roast them on my little bonfire and eat them with soy sauce for lunch.**

**The reason I wrote this was because I found that a lot of other people who tried to write about EDs (eating disorders) did it very, very badly. Like "Hermione threw up and Ginny walked in, 'Hermione you're so thin!' 'Ginny I'm anorexic.' 'We all know, don't worry about it.'" I mean, come on, what is that?? (That isn't an actual story, just my example)**

**And lets admit it, our Sevvie doesn't have a reason to get close to anyone unless it's full of angsty plotline that he can relate to!! And we all want Sevvie to get it on with someone... ;-) Well at least I do!!**


	2. All shades of crimson

Someday I'll Hope Again

**Straight on to chapter 2 people!**

Chapter 2

Hermione awoke at the bottom of the stairs, just next to the bathroom in her semi-detached three bedroom house that she called home. She slowly opened her eyes to the blinding light of the sun pouring through the window, making her shy away from it yet at the same time turn to it for comfort and warmth. She looked around; trying to make out recognisable shapes and forms with her blurred vision. A pain burst through her head, tearing to the left side of her face and pulsing there, numbing the pain in her head slightly. She lifted her hand slowly to touch her nose gently, but quickly recoiled as her fingers caused another shot of pain. A quick glance at her fingers told her that she was in fact bleeding, or had been. Her vision had cleared slightly, and she could see no-one. She lifted herself from the ground, making it to her hands and knees, trying to grab something to help her to her feet, her hand reaching out, longing for someone to take it and pull her up… She couldn't hold herself steadily and fell back to her stomach, arm still outstretched. No-one ever came.

Half an hour later Hermione stood in the small kitchen, holding a mirror to her face, inspecting the damage. Her left cheekbone was bruised and swollen and already it was beginning to show, light shades of crimson told her so, her left eye was nearly closed and showing sighs that tomorrow would bring a stunning tone of purple to her doe brown eyes. The bridge of her nose was swollen as well, from a distance you couldn't tell, but up close you almost see the knuckle marks. The force of impact had bust it straight away, no hesitation, and as a result she had tell tale smatterings of dried blood on the outside of her nostril, above her lips and the side of her mouth, evidence that her father had tried unsuccessful to quickly clean it up as she laid on her side, the blood trickling down the side of her face, before he decided he couldn't handle it and left her alone. She flinched as she touched her swollen eye, trying to open it but to no success. There was nothing she could do except clean up the blood and try to hold a cold compress on the swelling, which she knew from past experiences, hurt more than the actual wound. She put the mirror on the counter top and took some ice from the freezer, placing it in a tea towel and holding it gently against her face, grimacing at the pain as she did.

It was 6:15, her mother finished at 7:00. Her father would have gone somewhere to recollect himself, to flush this experience from his mind so he could tell himself that it never happened, and come home to act like everything was ok. She sighed and leaned back on the work top, thinking of the other times that this had happened, it was the same every time. They would argue, he would hit her, she would hate him, he would come back all sorry with promises that 'it would never happen again' and she would love him again, letting herself be told that it was just that one time, not ever again, that he did love her. She remembered the conversation before she passed out; replaying the scene in her mind, watching her and her father, knowing that the blow would come and still she did nothing. She wound him up to the point that he exploded. It was her fault really. She thought of his words.

"'_I couldn't give a damn about you, your mother is the person who I am going to be spending my life with_.' "

In her mind she let the words sink in, confirming everything that she had thought, not wanting to believe but knowing that she had to. It was the second time that he had said something like that, the first time he was drunk and he told her that he didn't love her; she let it pass because he was drunk, but this time, he was sober. He had promised her that it was all a lie and that he never meant to say it, and that he promised never to say it again. Another broken promise, another broken heart. She let the tears well up in her eyes but refused to let them spill for him. She felt like the princess who was being punished by her evil parents until her knight came to save her. But he never came. She was a modern woman of modern times, she couldn't possibly wait around for a man to save her. She had to do it herself.

She wiped away one tear that she couldn't contain as her eyes welled up again. She snorted a small laugh, why was she so surprised? Of course he didn't care about her. He didn't give a damn. Why was she so upset, she had known this fact since she could remember. Why did it sting and hurt her so if she already knew?

"You're _weak_ Hermione Granger. That is what you are." She angrily told herself. Slowly she walked out of the kitchen and into the bathroom across the hall from her. Locking the door behind her, she turned and looked into the almost full wall mirror in front of her. She took the ice from her face and just gazed idly at her own reflection.

Suddenly, she curled her fingers under her plain grey tee shirt and slowly pulling it over her head, carefully missing her swollen face. Throwing the tee shirt to the floor, she looked up at the reflection looking back at her. Fingers slowly pulled down her jeans to just above her hip bone, exposing her blue knickers only just hiding her pubic hair. She turned to the side to view her torso from the side, the fingers from her other hand slowly tracing her stomach as she breathed in. Her head dipped to analyse herself more as her fingers slowly poked and prodded her navel area, her eyes watching as her fingers pushed in, making the fat around it splay out more. She turned back to front view, repeating the same motion.

10 minutes later she finally stopped, stripping herself of all her clothes and reaching behind the toilet for the scales. Carefully she placed them on her tile, and stepped on, watching as the marker shot up the scale. Her face paled and she stared in horror down at display window beneath her feet.

She had put on a pound.

Tears automatically and without warning swarmed her eyes, and soon spilled over down her cheeks. How could this be? She had been so careful…

She stepped off the scales, wiping the tears from her face, almost forgetting that she couldn't properly open her eye properly due to the swelling. She carefully dabbed around her swollen eye and looked back at the scales, and even though the marker had gone back to zero, just knowing what numbers is had previously shown brought new tears and a few sniffs.

Thank God she was going back to Hogwarts tomorrow where people wouldn't force her to eat.

**More on it's way soon! I have a very busy hectic life so please just work with me!! :-)**


	3. A Painted Smile

Someday I'll Hope Again

**Howdy! Sorry for the delay in updating, I'll get more to you soon!**

Chapter 3

The buzz and excitement that was surging through the first years made Hermione smile as she directed them to the Great Hall. Every year she was taken back to her own first year when she saw the little witches and wizards "Ohhh" and "Ahh" over every little detail that they would see upon entering Hogwarts. Shrieks of laughter and amazement at talking and moving paintings, gasps as the stairs moved right before them, their little face lighting up at the amazement of it all. She smiled.

Her smile faded as she walked towards the doors of the Great Hall. She felt her stomach churn and her resolve stiffen as she walked in, not knowing why she was feeling so apprehensive about it. She knew what was coming, and tried not too think about it, but as she walked over to the smiling faces of Harry, Ron, and others in the house, she couldn't think of anything else. She should be happy to see her friends, and she was… It was what would be coming next. She feigned a smile as she took her place besides them, taking a deep breath just before she did. The Headmaster began his beginning of year speech. Hermione didn't really hear any of the speech, even though she clapped and nodded her head at the appropriate times, her heart was racing too fast for her to concentrate on anything else other than trying to calm it and try not too look like she was going to scream at any moment.

But the inevitable moment came and she held her breath as the empty trays before her filled up with food. She stared at the trays before her, her eyes darting from one dish to the next; chicken, beef, potatoes with melted butter, veggies roasted in margarine, chilli with a bowl of rice near it, bread with butter on, pumpkin pie with sugar sprinkled on top, soup with a sprig of some herb in the centre, salad, crisps, sugar, fat, calories, sugar, fat, calories…. Her head was swimming in a sea of bright colours and mouth- watering aromas as she felt her chest tighten and her hands become clammy… Someone was calling her name….

"Yes?" She said automatically, her heart still racing almost as fast as her mind.

"Jesus Herm, you've gone white!! What's wrong?"

"Nothing!" She replied automatically while she struggled desperately to control herself.

"No, seriously Herm, you've lost all you're colour! Are you ok?"

"Honest, I'm fine Ron, it's just a little warm in here, don't you think?"

"Yeah it is warm… Get something to eat, to get some colour back into you!" He smiled.

"Hmmm, th, thanks Ron…" She said weakly. Slowly she put one slice of thin sliced chicken, 65 calories, 2 small roasted potatoes, 142 calories, and a large serving of salad, no dressing, 120 calories on her plate. She pushed it around whilst joining in the post-break conversation, listening to the other student's events over the summer.

"Mm…" Harry began with his mouth full. "…. What happened to your eye?"

"Oh, ha, well, me and my dad were play fighting, and he caught me with his elbow…"

"Ouch! Looks nasty!"

"Ah, it's nothing. Looks worse than what it is." She has put some muggle cream on her face to stop the bruising, and instead of it being the deep purple it would have been, now it looked like a light purple, merely a surface bruise.

"Aw, bless you and your dad play fighting! That's sweet…" Ron started in a teasing tone.

"Well, normally Ronald, we only play fight, unlike you and your brothers who normally knock seven bells of… whatever… out of each other…."

"Ha! That's men for you!" He laughed.

"No, that's boys for you." She stated simply. Ron shrugged his shoulders and continued to shovel food into his mouth, stopping for a moment to look for other things to put on his plate.

Hermione could not hide a grimace.

She continued to push food around her plate, making little scraping noises. It amazed her that people didn't notice that she wasn't eating. So long as it sounded like she was, they weren't bothered. They didn't care. They didn't notice.

Carefully she took a few strands of dry lettuce from the salad and popped it in her mouth, chewing it slowly till it was mush before swallowing it. That was all she had eaten that meal. That was all she had eaten that day. No-one noticed. She continued to smile appropriately and laugh at the right times throughout the evenings celebrations, but despite this she felt hollow. Detached from herself. As if she was watching this whole façade from a distance. It made her hollow self smile. How ironic.

* * *

It was late into the evening when all the oldest students went to bed. Sitting around in the common room with all of her friends that she had known for just about 7 years was something that she hadn't realised she had missed over the summer. Nothing seemed to change.

Hermione had been feeling shaky for the last 2 hours. Her focus was off and she had to really concentrate on the conversation for it to make sense. She was feeling weak and shaky. She told herself it was her body messing with her, telling her to put food into it. She told herself it was her blood sugars that had dropped. She told herself that she enjoyed the feeling, like the high described by drug users. She liked it. She liked it.

"Bless the little first years. Is it just me or so they seem to get smaller and smaller each year?" Lavender asked as she curled her feet up on the sofa next to Seamus. Hermione snapped back to the conversation.

"I think they do get smaller. And more cocky. One first year rolled its eyes at me today." Said Seamus.

"'It', Seamus?" Harry pointed out.

"Well. God knows if it was a boy or a girl. All I know is that when I was a first year, I had the fear of God put in me by my ma about coming here and being good and all that…"

"Same here. I was so scared. I blame Snape." Dean replied.

"I saw a little bit of flirting going on between two first years today. I put a stop to it of course." Hermione said.

"OH MY GOD really?? Wow, I would never have flirted with anyone at that age!" Lavender said, genuinely shocked.

"Ha!! I don't believe that for even a second, you were born a flirt Lav!" Lavender pretended to be all coy and fluttered her eye lashes.

"Seriously. I thought that Malfoy was so cute before he was put in Slytherin, but even if he was in the same house as me, at 11 I never would have said or done anything!" She explained.

"Really? You fancied Malfoy?"

"Only in first year…" Lavender replied, blushing. "Why, who did you fancy?"

Dean thought hard about his answer. "Well… No-one really. Not that I can remember…"

"Oh please!! I don't believe that for even a moment!"

"Erm… Oh yes! Ha, I remember. Susan Bones from Hufflepuff. There was a universal "WHAT!?" From the group "Yeah yeah, I know. What can I say, I was young an impressionable.

There conversation went on from there. Everyone confessed to who they had had a crush on. Lavender with Malfoy, Dean with Susan Bones, Seamus with quite a few! Ron had liked Lavender; Harry had liked Lavender too… Then the conversation went to who they found attractive within their own house…

No-one had liked Hermione.

The smile that was constantly plastered on her face didn't move, although she had to concentrate more on keeping it there. No-one had ever found her attractive. Not in first year, not now. No-one had even commented on her. Was she really that invisible? That ugly?

"Of course you are, you stupid girl." She chastised herself coldly.

It was shortly after this that she excused herself to go to bed. As Head Girl she had a separate dorm altogether, and used the fact of having to walk to it as an excuse for having to leave a bit early.

"I'm really tired, and I have to walk to my dorm don't forget!!" She would say happily.

She felt like a little part of her had been chipped away by the end of the conversation. The feeling was creeping up on her more and more often recently.

* * *

That night, Hermione lay in bed, listening to her stomach growling. The pain had dissipated somewhat, and was now a dull throb from time to time. She rolled over and tried not to think of the evening's conversation.

No-one had found her attractive. No-one noticed her not eating. No-one had noticed her 8lbs weight loss that she had achieved in 5 weeks. No-one knew. No-one cared. She wondered if they had noticed a difference. No, they would have said. Maybe it was a good thing that they hadn't noticed? Less suspicion. Then again, she obviously hadn't lost enough for anyone to notice at all. Not good enough Hermione. _And you wonder if you are invisible to them? How can you be, you're a big fat lump of body mass in front of them, they can't miss you! They ignore you instead. Because you are so fat and repulsive, they ignore you. Isn't that sad? Aren't you pathetic? They don't care that you are dying inside. They aren't bothered at all! And who can blame them? You are just one big piece of lack-of-self-control!! It's tragic really. You're a total trainwreak. It's pathetic. You are pathetic. You think that you deserve to eat tomorrow morning? You think that you deserve to even be spoken to? Think again. You don't._

No I don't.

_Of course you don't! You're a big fat pathetic waste of space that no-one likes or loves!_

I hate myself.

_So does everyone else. They think you are disgusting and fowl. No wonder no-one fancies you; look at the state of you!! Why is it so easy for your dad to hit you? Because you look like an animal. A dog. A big, fat, pathetic dog that deserves to be beaten. He sees you, and he sees a worthless dog that needs a good kick!_

I hate myself. I am just so… Worthless.

Nothing tomorrow. Nothing tomorrow till after 3pm. Nothing at all. Except water. Maybe.

I can control this. I can be better than this. I can do this.

_Prove it._

I fucking well will.

**Ok... I know it's not a major step foward plot wise, but it's more how Hermione is feeling. It was very hard to write down all these feelings, and I know I haven't got it 100. But hopefully you'll get the idea.**

**Thank you for all the reviews!!**


	4. Failure

Someday I'll Hope Again

**Onwards!**

Chapter 4

Early next morning Hermione awoke early, blinking as sunlight crept into her room. She glanced at her watch that was on her bedside table.

06:23

She rolled onto her back and looked at the ceiling for a short time, making patterns out of the stone. Then a weight dropped in her stomach. Weigh in.

She leapt out of bed, ripping her clothes off so that she was fully naked. She dragged the scales out from under her bed and placed them on the cold stone floor near the window. She raced back to the bathroom and sat on the toilet, pushing as much liquid out of her as she could. Once done, she returned to the bedroom. Not bothered that she was naked and people could, possibly, see her from the window, she placed one foot on the scales before withdrawing it and running to the bathroom to spit. Her mouth was dry and water free, so she began again to step on the scales, trying to push the air out of her lungs to make her as light as possible. She looked down after a moment of being on the scale.

Oh my god.

A broad smile cracked across her mouth as she looked at the numbers.

She was down 2 pounds.

She stepped off the scale, grinning wildly for a moment, before walking over to the full length free standing mirror on her wall. Tilting her head she looked at herself, pinching the skin on her stomach, taking mental notes that she really needed to start exercising to help get rid of this fat, lifting her arms to see the skin on the underside and thinking of what exercises she could do to help get rid of all the flab.

15 minutes later she stepped away from the mirror and into the shower, feeling in quite a positive and strong mood. She would not fail today. She could do this.

* * *

She met Harry and Ron in the corridor an hour and a half later. "I've got some things to have a look at in the Library!" She said quickly before evening saying "Good morning".

"Hello Ron, how did you sleep? Oh yes I slept well, thank you Hermione…" Ron began. Hermione rolled her eyes and smiled.

"What have you got to read up on Hermione? We've not even had a lesson yet!"

"Just something I wrote over the holidays. I'm not 100 percent on it, and there were no books I could check at home that deal with this!"

"Bloody hell Herm!! I'm sure it will be right…. But I know you will have to check anyway!" Harry stated, waving his hand absentmindedly in the air at Hermione's expression which he knew meant she was about to butt in.

"Ok, I'll see you both in Transfig then ok? See you there!" She said before turning and running back up the stairs she came from, just hearing Ron complaining about the new timetable. Some things never change.

As she sat in the library she sipped her piping hot milky coffee from a flask in her bag. "_Warm drinks help with hunger pangs, and the caffeine stops the shakes_." She thought as she pulled a slight face. She never had really liked coffee, but it was suppose to help. She thumbed through a book that she had got from the small pile next to her. She was looking for any information about eating disorders within the Magical community.

It was a strange thing, because Hermione was very much aware that there was something not right with her. It was not normal to think the way she did about food. It was not normal to go all day without anything, then to shove your face with food, then to force it back out. None of it was normal. But that didn't matter. She didn't care. She had read all about it. Seen pictures of people in muggle hospitals that looked like skeletons, linked up to drips and machines, tubes coming out of their stomachs… She shuddered. Those poor people. Being force fed when they are so vulnerable. How can people be so rude?

She had read all the medical terms about it. All the "sufferer" terms. Binging, purging, restricting, fasting… Urgh, it had made her head dizzy. As if she hadn't got enough to think about! She had read about the complications of it, physical and mental. It didn't matter.

She tried not to think too hard about any of it. She knew she wasn't right. But that didn't change a thing.

She found the page she was looking for; Rare Diseases and Psychological Disorders. She read through it quickly, there was so little information! A brief touch on eating disorders, a flirt with body dysmorphia, and as for self harm, well! Apparently it wasn't even recognised! She smiled awkwardly to herself. Not many people would understand it, or even know about it. Perfect. It was classed as a "specialist" subject that most "normal" people didn't suffer from. But at least the information that they did have was correct. At least from her point of view.

There was one book that was entirely about The Psychology of Self Destruction. That book was very good, very informative. She would have to hide that from people.

As Hermione had her nose practically touching the page, the door to the library swung open, and Serverus Snape strode through and past her table. Hermione lifted her head and looked at her professor, and without even thinking, smiled at him. Looking at her back, his face did change whatsoever. He just walked past her, not even acknowledging her.

She mentally kicked herself for smiling. It had become such a habit, smile and there is nothing wrong at all.

_He didn't even see you. He looked right through._

He did see me.

_Ha! Yes he did! But he was too embarrassed to acknowledge you! There are other people here; he doesn't want people to think he knows the big fat blob reading at the table!_

Her eyes dropped down to the page, and she tried hard to not look as hurt as she was.

_Yes, you're feeling hurt. You deserve to. But don't worry. At least he didn't talk to you; he didn't bring any attention to you. Not as if he would want to talk to you, he's afraid you will eat him._

She tried hard to concentrate on her book, but found that she couldn't. She could almost feel the calories mount up as she sat doing nothing. Moving quickly and suddenly, she stood and packed her own books away, returning a few others to the shelves. She picked up the "Psychology of Self Destruction" and took it to the counter, checking it out before carefully putting it away in her bag. She glanced over at Snape, who was coming out of the restricted section and walking towards the counter, bookless. She quickly made her escape, walking out of the library and running down the stairs to get her heart rate up and burning calories. She pulled out her timetable at the bottom of the stairs to see what she had on for the day. Urgh. Potions right after lunch. Nice one.

She felt the all too familiar feeling of blood sugars dropping, and quickly took the flask from her bag and took a mouthful from it, burning her mouth in the process. She spat the first mouthful out, trying to get cold air into her mouth before taking carefully measured sips. Her mouth and lips were sore and burning, the pain making her shudder. Yet still she laughed out loud. _Perfect! What an excuse not to eat at lunch!!_ She smiled at herself. There was always something good to be had out of any situation.

* * *

After two lessons of intense work, Hermione felt weak and tired. She slumped down next to Harry at the table at lunch, and rested her head on his shoulder.

"Alright there Herm?" He asked.

"I'm just so tired." She said. In fact her concentration was lost, she was shaking all over, her stomach was screaming at her and her focus was off. She was all over the place, she felt so weak. Yet so empowered.

"Comfy?" Ron asked, rolling his sleeves up.

"Hmm…" She replied, closing her eyes. Just a few moments, just to get your strength back…

Only a few moments later the plates filled with food, and once again the smell of it filled her nose and her head was swimming in the sea of smells once more. Her head snapped up as she tried to register what she smelt. It just smelt too good…. And she was so hungry….

"Herm, you not having anything?" Harry asked, filling his plate with sandwiches.

"I…. I…." She stuttered, looking around at all the food in front of her.

"Herm? You alright?"

"Yes, yes, sorry, of course. Ron, would you pass me a tuna sandwich please?" The sandwich landed on her plate and she eyed it suspiciously. Lifting it in her hands she looked around it, white bread, mayo, no salad. No, she couldn't. She couldn't.

Before she knew it, she was raising it up to her mouth. _Put it down. Put it down now._ Still her hand moved and her mouth opened. _What are you doing?? Stop it! What are you doing??_ She chewed, feeling the tacky taste of white processed bread in her mouth. She swallowed, and carried on to eat the whole triangle of sandwich. _YOU FAT BITCH! What did you do that for?? What are you trying to do, win the Fattest Person in the World competition??_

Suddenly she was on auto drive. She had no control over herself. Her hands were flying over the plates, an egg sandwich, cheese and onion crisps, a handful of peanuts, rice, 2 bakewell tarts, little cocktail sausages, a scotch egg, ramming it into her mouth, chewing furious and swallowing, one after the other, following this pattern with every bit of food that she could get, a big swig of water, another scotch egg, something that smelt spicy, she hated spices…. Oh well, she shoved that in her mouth too, more crisps, more sandwiches, a bit of chicken… She chewed and swallowed and drank water. There was no voice in her mind, there were no thoughts... Nothing. Harry and Ron, and a few others watched in amazement and shock.

"Jesus Christ Hermione, are you hungry?" Dean asked.

Suddenly she stopped, and looked up at him, a few crumbs around her mouth and another egg sandwich in her hand. She looked at her hands and dropped the sandwich as though it was something foul that a dragon might produce. She looked around at her friends.

"I'm…. I'm…" She started.

"Haha! Don't worry about it Herm, you didn't eat breakfast after all! You know we should get married, you'd fit right into my family if you eat like that all the time!" Ron laughed, causing a few others to break into laughter as well. Hermione paled, she had seen how they eat. _Like animals. Like pigs. Like filthy little pigs, wallowing in their own filthy fatness._ She didn't know what to do; she didn't know what to say. _How shameful of you! Are you happy, you filthy fat mess?_

She felt beginnings of tears brewing.

_Don't sit and cry now! Get yourself out of this mess!!_ She sat for a few minutes longer while the attention was drawn from her to Dean who was telling a long winded joke. She leaned in and whispered into Harry's ear as not to disturb the joke, or of course bring attention to herself.

"I feel a bit ill now, I'm gonna get something for heartburn, I'll see you in Potions ok?"

"Sure, see you there." He replied, looking at her briefly before going back to listening to the joke. She got up; feeling her stomach swelling so much she felt like her buttons and zip would burst. She gathered her things and practically ran out of the Great Hall, praying that no-one would see her in all her fat glory while her mind screamed a million things all at the same time to her.

A set of cold black eyes had noticed one third of the Golden Trio shove food at an incredible speed into her mouth, and that same set of eyes had followed her movements as she marched out of the Hall.

**This was a very hard chapter for me to write, because I can relate to it so much. I never expected that so many people would be able to understand and relate to this.**

**My heart really does go out to each and every one of you who has ever hated yourself, for whatever reason.**

**Stay strong xxx**


	5. Porcelain Salvation

Someday I'll Hope Again

**Hello all! Sorry it's taken me so long to update, I am useless at time management it would seem.**

**ONWARDS!**

Chapter 5

Hermione's heart was racing as she continued running out of the Great Hall. Stopping eventually at the bottom of the staircase, she tried to make sense of what just happened. She couldn't hear anything but her own mind screaming a million things at her, so many things that she couldn't actually make out what was being said, just that it was all negative. She ran her hands through her hair and looked around in desperation, the feeling of food in her belly too much for her to cope with. What could she do? She had done it, spoilt all of her hard work, and for what? The food was inside her now and there was nothing she could do about it...

Unless...

Unless she was to force the food out of her...

Hermione's eyes darted to the staircase before she ran up it, heading straight for the nearest girls bathroom. Second floor would do.

The door to the toilets flew open as Hermione dashed inside, entering a cubical and locking the door behind her. Suddenly everything in her stopped as she looked down at the toilet and considered what she was about to do. She had read about this, but never thought she would be able to do it. It was just so much easier not to eat rather than eat and bring it all back. She shuddered, suddenly feeling the cold chill of the mostly stone bathroom. Her logical mind was telling her not to do, this, she hated being sick, it was awful and not natural, but it was only a quiet voice in her mind, and the feeling of the food in her stomach was all she could focus on. Unlocking the door, she went outside and rested her hands on the sinks, looking up into the mirror. She stared at herself for a few moments, the suddenly jumped back and lifted her jumper to expose her stomach. She stared at it in the mirror, not moving. Then, she pulled it back down and stormed back to the cubical, locking it behind her and turning to face the toilet again. She took a breath and nodded to herself kneel down on the cold stone floor and lifted the toilet seat up. How was she supposed to do this? It wasn't normal! Goddamn it if only she hadn't had all that junk!! But she had. And this is what she was left with.

"_Think of it as punishment. For being so weak_."

She nodded to herself and leaned forward over the toilet bowl, putting her hair behind her ears. She spat into the toilet bowl... She had no idea of how to do this! Thinking back to the books and articles she had read, she took a deep breath. Suddenly, there were no thoughts. No voices. Nothing at all. She automatically and without thinking brought her middle finger to her mouth, and shoved it to the back of her throat. Nothing. She tried wiggling it around a little. Nothing. She took it out, looked at the finger, then put it back in, further back than last time. Her eyes watered a little but she didn't gag. Carefully, she pushed it a little further back. Unexceptionally she gagged and she pulled her finger out of her mouth and held on to the toilet bowl. Her eyes were watering, but still there was no sick!! She coughed a little, put off by the gag and how awful it was, but the full feeling in her stomach pushed her to try again. For 10 minutes she tried, one finger, two fingers, a bit of a gag, sticky spit on her fingers and hand, wiggling the fingers at the back of her throat... Nothing. Exasperated she rammed her fingers to the back of her throat, her fingernails scraping on the delicate skin on the back of her throat. She winced, and as she went to pull her hands out to stop, she had a huge heave of a gag, and suddenly, it was there. She was sick.

In one long stream food that she had eaten only 15 minutes earlier came flowing out of her mouth. There was nothing she could do to stop it, it seemed to go on forever but in reality it was only a few seconds. As the heave stopped, she coughed into the bowl loudly, taking a few shallow breaths. It was awful. The taste of the tacky food back in her mouth, all mixed together was fowl. The spices had left her mouth hot with the feeling that her throat was going to set alight, and the taste of the tuna was making her feel even worse. Before she lost the "rhythm" of it, she pushed her finger to the her throat again, and it only took a few minutes before another massive hurl brought at least half of what she had eaten right back, and then the sick just kept on coming, one heave after another. The heaves went on for longer this time and more powerful, sick coming down her nose and blocking all possible routes for oxygen to get into her body. She thought at one point that she was going to choke, or at least pass out, as the liquid filled her throat and nose, big clumps of barely chewed food forcing their way out of her, scratching and hurting her throat. Her eyes were bulging, tears running down her face, and the pressure building in her head and neck made her fee like her head was going to pop off. She thought that she might die.

After the last stream of sickness she coughed, spitting bits of food from her mouth. She waited with her head over her porcelain salvation for a few minutes, the strong smell of sick and food washing over her. Eventually, she lifted her head, grabbing some toilet roll and wiping her mouth, surprised at just how much sick was around her mouth. She threw it into the toilet, and looked one last time at her triumph in the bowl before her. She reached up and flushed it, watching the water wash away all the food and guilt, leaving behind only small bits of food floating in the now clear water. She noticed a film that covered the water, almost like grease, that was all over the water. She paled, that was some of the fat that she had eaten. Gross.

After sitting on the stone floor for what seemed to be an age, eventually Hermione got to her feet, a little taken aback by how weak her legs felt. She slowly walked out of the cubical and back to the mirrors at the sink, looking at herself. She was a mess, her eyes were red and puffy from the pressure and the force of being sick along of course with the tears she had unwillingly produced. Her whole head seemed red, and she had missed a bit of sicky food from the cheek. She turned the tap on and swilled her mouth out, splashing the cold water on her face.

Despite how terrible she looked and felt, Hermione looked at her reflection in the mirror and smiled. Triumph. She felt even half empty again. She knew that there was still some left in there, but she didn't want to go through the trauma all over again.

"_Now then. What happens next time you come into contact with food?"_

I ignore it.

_"Or else?"_

Or else I will be back here again. And this is somewhere I don't ever want to be again.

_"You will not be weak again. You will show all of them just how strong you are. You can do this."_

Hermione took a breath.

**I know I can.**

* * *

Hermione picked up her bag and walked out of the second floor toilets. It was a funny feeling, she was happy and glad that the food was gone from her, but somehow she felt… Bad. Guilty maybe. Violated. It wasn't normal to do things like that. It didn't feel right. She swore to herself that she would never do that again.

Looking around the staircase and close corridors, she looked for anyone around. There was no-one. Where the hell…

"Shit!" She said out loud as she realized that she had been longer than what she had thought. She had missed the rest of dinner, and the beginning of the next lesson!

Potions.

Hermione dashed down the stairs and ran all the way to the dungeons. She didn't have a watch and she didn't know how late she was. Goddamn it! "_See how complicated things get when you eat?"_ She nodded as she found herself outside her classroom door. She took a deep breath and knocked twice. A deep, gravelly voice called from the otherside of the door.

"Enter."

She opened the door and went in, only glancing at Professor Snape as she did. She took a fleeting glimpse at the classroom, who were silent, all sat down, quills out. Snape just looked at her.

"My my, look who has decided to grace us with her presence." He said silkily.

"I'm sorry Sir, I was…." Hermione suddenly realized that she hadn't thought of an excuse. Great. "… I was at the hospital wing…. Heartburn."

"After witnessing the speed in which you ate lunch I am hardly surprised." He replied lazily. "10 points from Gryfindor, for you're lateness."

Blushing ridiculously Hermione practically ran to her seat and preyed that the world would just swallow her up then and there.

"How you feeling Herm?" Harry whispered.

"Like shit." She replied simply. Her head was fuzzy and she felt dizzy and weak from being sick and then running. She didn't feel right at all… But somehow she managed to concentrate enough to listen to the instructions and understand them. As the first day back they were having to "recall the few skilled they had acquired" from last year by brewing a simple warming potion. Nothing complicated. After completing the first 3 steps of the potion, she had to wait for 5 minutes for the potion to turn a pale yellow colour. For 5 minutes she had the chance to sit down, exhausted. She went over in her mind what she had said to Snape earlier, that she had been at the Hospital Wing…. Fuck! If Snape then went to Madam Pomfrey and asked, he would know that she had been lying. But at the same time what else could she have said when she had told Harry the same thing… Eurgh what a mess. She just had to hope that Snape wouldn't ask Madam Pomfrey. She was suddenly aware that someone was talking to her.

"Hermione? Oi, Hermione!" Ron was prodding her in the arm. She shook her head to try to get rid of the fuzziness and turned to him.

"What?"

"Check on my potion and see if it's right?" He asked, well, demanded. She stood up and turned to face him fully, looking down at his potion. The heat was on too high and the fumes were filling her nose and making her head hurt... She was feeling dizzy.

"It's… it's not right…" She said quietly, trying to focus.

"Bugger! What's wrong with it"?

"It's erm….. Well the colour…" Hermione suddenly started to feel very weak. Her head was spinning with the fumes and the heat, and the fuzziness just would not go away. From a distance she heard herself think that she hadn't drunk enough water that day, and that it was probably the being sick that was causing this… If she could just concentrate on something, stay focused...

"Weasley… What.. is… this?"

"It's my potion sir." Ron simply replied to Snape.

"Your attempt at the potion… Could you not get it right even with Miss Granger holding your hand?" He said dryly. He looked at Hermione, who was swaying slightly just behind Weasley. "Miss Granger…?"

Hermione felt herself become suddenly weaker, and in the distance she just heard Professor Snape say her name… But it was as if she was underwater, the muffled noise of the classroom and people saying things to her was dulled as she struggled to stay in focus with her surroundings. Suddenly the corners of her vision turned dark and blackness crept in, slowly filling her eyes until she could barely see any light whatsoever. She felt her eyes roll back in her head and somehow felt herself moving as her vision went black, and suddenly, there was nothing.

**Ok! So there's a new chapter for you! I have decided that I need to go back and actually finish the stories that I have posted, I am rubbish for finishing stories!!**

**Review replies!!**

**Madam Thalia- I have every intention of carrying on with this story, so fear not! Also, most of this is written right from the heart and from my own experiences. Somehow, writing seems to make sense when nothing else does.**

**jasmin-leigh- LOL I will try to update sooner!**

**Keehl-River- Oh don't cry! It's shit if you can relate to this because it means that you have been through it, and I am sorry if you are having to live this at the moment. But I'm glad you like it! :-)**

**SilverGhostKitsune- It's pure emotional right from the heart my dove! I must try to update a lot sooner!**

**-Sv3vrusIsMin3- I'm glad that my writing is understanding to people who do not suffer from eating disorders, if you can get even an idea of how hard it can be then I have done a good job. So thank you! And I'll let you in on a secret, I am famous for not planning my stories... So I have absolutely no idea where this will go, or at what point our Sevvie will find out! Haha!! These stories just manifest themselves I swear...**

**Antigonesev- Wow, thats a big thing to say! Thank you! I was getting wound up with some of the other ED related fics though I must admit... Do you ever get that? Where you are reading a story with an excellent plot but its poorly writtem and you think "Man, I need to write one of those just to do the plot justice!!"? I do. :-)**

**LoveAndHate3- Haha! You may stand now! :-) Thank you so much!**

**Heidi191976- Thanks! EDs are super difficult and you're right, Ron and Harry won't have a clue. Thanks for reviewing and I hope you like this chappie!**

**Anita Grangr- I understood your English perfectly, what is your native language? I'm glad that you understood the depth of feeling from my writing, it means a lot to me. Thank you, and I hope that you are no longer in that depressed place.**

**obcessed reader (anon)- Thanks very much, I'm happy that even though you may disagree with some of the subjects, you are still compelled to read. Thank you!**

**firefairydog91- I'm sorry to hear about your sisters, and I hope that they are in recovery or recovered. Thank you for your support and understanding.**

**AccioSev- Wow, you're reviews left me with a few tears! I am sorry to hear about your struggles, and believe me I can more than understand exactly where you are coming from. Stay strong my dove, we all deserve to be happy and loved.**

**xVibrating Spazoid- LOL I laughed at your username!! :-) Made me chuckle... Thank you, and I am also sorry for you and the struggles you have been through. I don't think you can truely understand unless you have been through it yourself... And I am really sorry if you truely understand. Thanks so much.**

**And to those who I haven't personally replied to... Sorry, but I really need the loo!! :-) Thank you for reviewing, and I hope you continue to enjoy and review as you wish. Oh, if you think I could change or improve anything, let me know. I will confess that I wrote this chapter in a bit of a flurry so... I expect to be critisied! (can you tell that I have wrote all of this in bold with no spell checker? My spelling is just crap!)**

**Till next time my darlings!  
Stay strong  
.**


	6. Wasted

Someday I'll Hope Again

**Review replies at the bottom my doves! Sorry for the lack of chapters, I've been super busy!**

Chapter 6

Hermione's senses slowly returned to her as if she was waking up from a deep sleep. She automatically opened her eyes and squinted as the light seemed to invade them, moving her head slowly to the side away from the light. Her head seemed 2 sizes too big, and it was at the point that she realised this that she also realised that she was laid horizontally. Opening her eyes again, she groggily looked around her. Her head was resting on something firm but warm, yet her legs were cold, and as she looked around to find the source of the heat, she saw Ron's blue eyes staring down at her. She looked at him for a few moments, and then looked around again.

She was laid on Ron! Her head was on Ron's arm!

"What…?" She started before being shushed.

"'Mione, you passed out I think…" He started before stopping abruptly. There was a small wind, the only sign that Snape had suddenly appeared next to them.

"Is she awake?" He questioned sharply.

"Yes I am sir…" She said shakily as she started to try to get up. Ron pushed her to a sitting position, and she noticed that she had been completely sprawled all over the cold stone floor.

"Drink this." He ordered, passing her a small vial. She obediently took it and poured the creamy yellow liquid into her mouth. As soon as the liquid touched her tongue she tasted the sweetness of it gush around her mouth. _Oh my god. Calories. He is trying to give you calories._

Suddenly she spat the liquid out, scrunching her eyes shut as it passed her lips and through the dungeon air onto the floor not far from where Snape was stood. She felt some dripping down her chin and she quickly scrubbed it away with her sleeve, not wanting the calories to soak through her skin. She looked up at her professor as if he had betrayed her in the most horrific way.

"Hermione, what you…" Ron exclaimed, but he was cut short.

"Miss Granger, that was a perfectly good warming and energising potion that is now contaminated with your saliva and wasted all over the floor!" He said, sounding angry towards the end. "If it were my intention to waste good potions I would have simply poured them down the sink."

"Wha, what was the potion for?" She asked suspiciously.

"If you do not have trust in my ability to administer potions to students or in the intentions of my actions then simply decline the offer of said potion, rather than spitting it out all over my floor."

"Fine, next time I won't accept." She muttered, but it was loud enough to hear.

"10 points from Gryfindor, Miss Granger, and see me after class. With that tongue Gryfindor will be minus points by the end of the week!" And with that he swept across to the front of the classroom, taking his place by the blackboard.

"Sir, are you not going help…"

"Mr Potter, Miss Granger has made it quite clear that she does not want any help, therefore she will receive none." He snapped before sitting at his desk and taking a quill in his hand. "You have a potion on the boil Mr Potter, I suggest that you watch it."

Harry stared dumbfounded at Ron, who carefully pulled Hermione to her feet.

"Are you ok 'Mione?" Harry asked, rubbing her arm affectionately.

"Yeah, yeah I think so… What happened?"

"One minute you were talking to me about my crap potion, the next you were falling backwards…"

"Ron caught you…" Harry butted in. Ron gushed with pride.

"Lightening reflexes. What can I say; I'm an accomplished Quidditch player!" He grinned. Hermione smiled but couldn't muster the strength to laugh as she wanted.

"Are you sure you're ok? You don't look too well at all; you're as white as a sheet…" Harry asked, concerned. "Maybe you should get one of those potions that Snape was…"

"No!" She said loudly, a little too loudly. "No, no it's quite ok; it's just that, with it being hot in here, and all the fumes…. And the potion Madam Pomfrey already gave it, it might be best to just leave it for now…" She lied.

"Why wouldn't you take the potion?" Harry asked, sitting back down in his chair and taking his potion off the heat.

"Well… Well, you know, they say don't take certain potions with others, and that one that I've already had…. Besides, God only knows what Snape would have me drinking if I was stupid enough to just open my mouth when he told me to…" She mumbled quietly.

"Hmm… I suppose…" Harry answered, attending to his potion. Hermione suddenly became very aware again of how warm the room was, and how light headed she felt…

But something shook her, the feeling of other students moving past her as she sat still on her chair. The class had ended. Harry whispered that he would meet her in the next class, and not to worry because he would explain that she would be late. She smiled weakly, only just hearing him, and saw him walking away, turning back to look at her with concern all over his features.

The class quickly drained of students, leaving just Hermione and Snape in the dungeon. She was slumped over the desk, her arms holding her weight and her head hanging low as she lifted it to look in his direction. She knew that she looked like shit; she could practically feel the bags under her eyes and the droopiness of her face. Snape wasn't looking at her. She slowly dragged her eyes away from him and looked at her cauldron that Harry at briefly sorted out but not put away. She blinked once, a long, heavy blink, before turning her head again back to her professor. She felt that her mouth was gaping open slightly.

"Come here." He spoke suddenly. Shaking her a little, she slowly got to her feet and walked to his desk at the front of the class. Her body was aching from being violently sick, and her head was still fuzzy and all strange from passing out. He put down his quill and looked up at her, his dark eyes locking onto hers, making it impossible to pull away from his stare as she wanted to.

"Miss Granger. You assist a fellow student in making their potion, something you know is not allowed, you pass out in front of the class, creating a scene on which other students are focusing on more than their work, you spit out and waste the potion I give you in order to help you, only for you to confirm your lack of trust in me and my abilities." Snape reeled off silkily. "I understand that you and your… Friends… have certain ideas about me and my work, however they are untrue and any judgement passed on me should not affect my working or your studying environment!"

Hermione spoke slowly, having to really concentrate on speaking. "So, basically, because I think that you work for Voldemort, I should not let this impair my trust in you as a teacher when you are giving me an unknown substance to drink?" _What an excellent reason to want to spit out the potion!! Anything rather than him thinking that he was giving you food… You can be brilliant sometimes!_ She smiled to herself, but the smile was quickly wiped off her face when she saw him beginning to stand and advancing on her. She stepped back carefully, her measured steps becoming quicker as he got closer. She could see the anger in his eyes, a look that was not unfamiliar to her… It was how her father often looked right before he hit her… She walked right onto the stone wall, her back hitting it forcefully, but she still could not take her eyes away from his… She felt a fear tremble through her, she was going to end up on the floor, she knew this scene all too well, she knew how it went…

He stopped only centimetres before her, trapping her against the wall. He stood absolutely still, not moving at all. He spoke smoothly and quietly as he stared into her

"If you thought that I worked for the Dark Lord and that I had intentions of killing you, why stay behind class, alone, in a dungeon with me?" Hermione couldn't say anything, what was the point? She just looked at him wide eyed, her slightly parted lips trembling a little, palms flat on the wall behind her. As he moved his hand from his side Hermione braced herself, tensing up instantly and screwing her eyes shut, turning her head in the direction that she thought the blow might come from. But it never did. After a few moments she realised that she was holding her breath and quickly let it out before breathing quickly, keeping her eyes closed tight. More moments passed, and there was no contact, no fists, no back hands. It would come.

_It's all you deserve, you big fat pig!_

"Open your eyes." A dark voice stated. Hermione didn't move. "Open. Your. Eyes." It wasn't an asking voice. It was a demand. Slowly Hermione opened her eyes and carefully turned her head to the front to see him stood there, looming over her, standing closer than what he was before she had closed her eyes. He was looking down at her, searching her eyes. Hermione let out a tiny breath that was almost a whimper as she felt him lock onto her. He was just looking at her, watching, noticing, savouring… He knew she was afraid and he was enjoying it. He suddenly swept down to nearly her level, their faces almost level and so close. "If I wanted to hurt you, I have had far better opportunities before now. And if I felt that I needed to justify myself or try to gain your trust, I would tell you that I do not work for anyone other than Professor Dumbledore, and the safety of this school and its students is my upmost priority…" He slowly stood. "… However I feel neither the obligation nor the need to justify myself to you, Miss Granger."

Hermione was suddenly aware of exactly how tense she was become, her whole body seemingly twisted to one side, making herself as small as possible. Her head spun with a thousand thoughts and feelings that she could not place due to the dizziness that had been intensified by the fear that was still coursing through her. She was still looking at him and her at him as he backed away from her and started to turn back to the desk.

"And if I did want to hurt you, the last thing I would do is strike you. I am a potion's master, Miss Granger, not an incompetent muggle who cannot control his temper." He said, watching her flinch and look to the ground as he finished. He read her expressions and mannerisms, fear, shame… guilt? "Now get out." He finally said, watching her flee from his dungeons, leaving her bag and everything else behind.

Severus Snape sat down at his desk again, and held his head in his hands. He had been furious that she had doubted him, had she no idea of the work he had done for her and the other student's freedom and safety?? Of course she didn't… His anger had dissipated as he saw the fear, and something else, maybe acceptance? That he was going to strike her. He scoffed, as if he would do such a thing! And he never would have thought that she, the little Know It All with Gryfindor courage would just surrender to such a thing without a fight… Who did she think he was? A mindless idiot who didn't have anything but fists….

Suddenly his head snapped up and he stared at nothing, his mind racing. Of course, she has been betrayed. She has been struck in the past. She was expecting him to; it wasn't strange for a man to beat her. Realisation dawned on him and his mind was reeling. Who was it? Was it someone close to you who should never have done such a thing? Severus didn't feel sorry for the girl, he didn't feel anything at the thought of her being hit, however he was suddenly curious to know more about the girl who he thought had a simple and straight forward life. There was more to her story that what she portrayed, something deeper and more unexpected than he would have ever imagined about her. He sneered to himself. He would find out what it was. Soon.

**Erm, not a lot to report in this chapter, so straight to the review replies!**

**SilverGhostKitsune****- Thank you! I hope that you contiune to like it!**

**tess1tess****- Well, to be honest, I don't take it anywhere, it takes me... I don't think about it, I just type!! :-) SO at the moment I don't even know where it's going to go! But suddenly Sevvie is a little darker, I don't know how that happened!**

**Madam Thalia****- It's great to hear from you! I understand, and know how hard it is... All this is written from my own experience, so it's pretty raw... Stay strong though my dove!**

**Keehl-River****- Isn't Hermione just the perfect person to develop an ED? I thought so... Glad someone else agrees!! I hope you enjoy this, SS/HG are my faves too!**

**Nymphicus- Ha, it's funny what people make fun out of! My sister is always calling me a retard which many people could find offensive, and 2 other friends call me racist names (start with N, ends with A, got IGG in the middle) just to take the mick because I am so PALE! It's awful that someone could hear it an take offence! Unfortunatly I'd be lying if I said I had "overcome" it, whatever IT is, but I'm working on it. :-)**

**lily145- Comforting in what way? I hope you enjoy it nonetheless!! **

**Heidi191976****- Come on, Potions is the best subject with the best teacher!! All the action happens there... :-)**

**Siobhan- Thank you so much! I'm really glad that you like it, hope you continue to!**

**Thats about it for now, so until next time!**

**Stay stong  
.**


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